Beautifully Horrible

Well it’s now approaching 2011, and my last post was in September 2009. I can’t believe it’s been over a year since I’ve done anything with this website. I always swore I’d find time for it, it was the one hobby I managed to keep going all through my teens and early adulthood. I guess everything eventually has to take a back seat to life. I’m alright with that, I just hope I haven’t lost all of the viewers I may have had.

Either way, I am back in the sense that I have internet access. I haven’t really done much of anything in a very long time anyway. My last drawings were in 2009 and I’ve already posted them. I wrote a few poems here and there but I think I’ve lost most of them since I had no way to post them and apparently was to lazy to type them out and save them to my laptop. Either way, perhaps the new year will bring the old thrill back to sharing my work and taking care of my website.

So let me say my resolutions are.
Be more creative. (More art, more poetry, maybe try writing books again… NO EXCUSES)
Be more healthy (Get back to the gym, get back into the shape I was when I really worked at it, drink less, and eat less fast food)
Be more friendly (I have so little time I find myself putting all of my friends, family, and my relationship on a back burner… The last thing I want to do is alienate myself from the ones I love, and the quality relationships I’ve created over the years.)

Yeah, that about sums it up. May 2011 bring happiness, contentment, quality, and something new for everyone.

I realize it’s been a while since I’ve actually updated this website, that’s because I’ve been busy. Since my last post I have pretty much gone through various life changes involving many hair colors, a brief inter lapse in judgment involving relationships, I’ve moved, I’ve changed jobs and am now finally in the process of getting a dream job. However none of this seems new, nor does it seem note worthy to go into too much detail.

Ironically as I am saving all of my old poems since the website they are stored at closes October 6th I have noticed a lot of the poems I wrote years before sort of pertain to my modern circumstance and the things that have transpired in my recent history. I wonder if this is just irony and coincidence or perhaps the poems that I thought were insight into other people’s perspective lives was actually a subconscious perspective into my own future. Either way it doesn’t really matter, just something I thought of as I was saving my poetry one by one.

It’s amazing how things we think hold no relevance to us eventually always come around to stare us in the face.

“Don’t grab my keys when the parties over, I drive better drunk than you do sober.” Afroman - I drive better drunk

Afroman, a very little known rap artist that is actually reasonable. Not always the best form of humor from a woman’s perspective, but as long as you just take it as a “song” and nothing deeper it’s good music to dance drunk too Or belt out loudly during kareoke. Everyone wi ll laugh, guaranteed. ^_^ Besides, his lyrics aren’t any more offensive than most rap songs anyway.

Moving on… Of course I’m still a metal head at heart, I just know better than to linger in one genre and swear by it because all forms of music have something about them worth listening too. Granted, some have a lot less than others.

So… I’m moving out of my apartment in the next few months. I’ll be moving into an out building my parents have at thier house. I’ll be paying for all of my own stuff like I have been, however it’ll be much cheaper because my parents aren’t obviously going to charge me a fortune. I’ll need the extra money for when I’m in school from September through June of 2010. I can’t believe it’s all over in 2010 (at least the general stuff, I’ll be working and doing night school to get my RN)… Tim is going to school as well. We’ll pretty much be separated for nine of ten months. Many ask how this affects me? It doesn’t really. I think we get along better when we’re apart, absence does make the heart grow fonder. I know I should be fearful of him moving on, or even me moving on, but I think we’re both going to be so involved with school neither of us will have time for that.

Besides… The way I look at it is if he does move on, obviously we weren’t meant to be and I wish luck in his life. I’m sure I can mutually move on pretty easy if he could dump me that easy. I guess I’ve gotten past that needy girl I use to be who HAD to keep someone in her life. That doesn’t mean I care for him less, or that I don’t want it to work out… It’s just I won’t sink into depression and basically not want to live like I have in the past. Also I think my confidence is much improved since then. I never thought I could find anyone, or do anything… Now I feel like I can do anything I truly put my mind too within reason, and I know if need be I can find someone to love me, and past love like all loves will fade with the breath of new love… Awww, how romantic *bats eyes*

Anyway.. going back to listening to Afroman, taking a shower, and I’m outtie, it’s finally spring!

I dream in high definition
every detail captured bright,
a sense of recognition
in throughout the night.

I’ve heard of black and white
or the color dreams of red scheme,
above viewing and sight,
and what it all means.

I never analyzed much
not the thoughts they bring
or even a sensual touch,
as it’s not insight to me.

I found my imagination wild
untamed living creativity
since being just a child
why question a gift?

In high definition I wait
for my dreams to sedate
me into who saw so
clearly everything she had.
© ~Serena~

My heart is yours and as so has always been.
Everytime I doubt my love for you, I fall again.
When you’re distant and so obscure
I miss the original sense of our allure.
That feeling in my stomach of butterflies.
Like flying high, a roller coaster in the sky.
But just as senses fade, and dreams dim,
Suddenly in your aura I am captive again.
As we sit here in the dark I sense the
Butterflies of our history and the spark.
I realize you’re the only man that matters…
The only one I could love all out.

…as your vehicle pulls on black ice
without missing a beat you counter stear,
and as I shake you laugh gently in my ear.
then smile dimples and all and say
“I’ve got you baby doll.”
as you wrap one arm around me I see
always, you are the only man for me.
© ~Serena~

So… I am tired.
Sleepy
Dreaming
Exaughsted.

I feel I have no energy, I pry my eyes open with my fingernails. Deep down I am empty, but fullfilled. Sometimes I’m in heaven, sometimes alone.

So alone.

Bring to light my darkest burdens, wear them on my sleave. I will let you read, you can read. I love you to the point of defeat, as I fall to my feat.

I can stand alone, how dare you think otherwise? I am all that I sew there for I reap.

The tool to my own defeat.

I speak.

I scream.

Loudly, within this meak
disapointing
state
of being.
In my mind - defined.

unbearable mockery,
imperfections thrown in my
face.
only getting worse with age.

Rage
controls my image.
if only I could feel,
as beautiful as you
make me want to be.

Hate
myself more than
anyone could or has,
no idea where this
dysmorphia spawns from.

Know
beauty is skin deep
a person forever,
inside I am amazing
but somewhere lost.

Found
beyond the days of
past affliction;
Lost to me until
I beat my addiction.
© ~Serena~

in my mind I would wander,
free upon the open range;
a mustang set to graze.
the world was mine to take,
and I embraced and owned it.
the best cowboy couldn’t
tame my animal instincts.
I was independent,and unbroken.

but time tethered my spirit,
put in a halter with blinders
to shield my wild eyes.
then a bit to clench my mouth,
and reigns to slow me down.
since then I’ve been one way,
racing all out without end.
a crop slapping my hind side
without vision to see before me.
urged on pointless myself the
loser, and the lost, in the race.
© ~Serena~

on the radio,
old song,
our song.
I remember well
even though
it’s been far
too long.
you said you
were wrong…
then I went
far gone.
It was over
despite my
announced;
Love Forever.
Looking down
where your ring
sat in claim
who’s to blame?
the song was
all wrong;
sad song past
like love gone.

Many of the ladies I know are very “modern” as the term goes, and I guess on many levels I am too. I am very career orientated, I feel a woman should be able to make her way in the world. I do not depend on anyone to pay my bills, and everything I have in my life (pretty much) I’ve bought myself. My parents help me out now and then, and my fiance did pay for half of a car for me as well as a present for a special occasion. I do not feel it is a man’s job to pay for all of the bills, and inherently take care of a woman until the day she dies (unless he wants too of course, what people do is their personal choice.) I think a relationship between a man and a woman should be balanced, and very half and half when it comes to most things.

I beleive the bills should be split in half, dinner out should be mostly payed by whomeever can better afford it at the time. When it comes to buying stuff you want (for men and women) as long as you can afford it, go for it. Recently my fiance bought a new fire arm, he seemed very nervous to reveal this fact to me, and I just shrugged and said “If you can afford it? Enjoy it.” Besides, no one can be too safe in this modern world. I never could understand gun control since it only knocks those that actually follow the law… But hey that’s another story.

With that in mind, this is where I lose most of the girls I know. Despite the fact that I believe bills should be shared, and most things are equal and devided, every guy I’ve dated I’ve basically been “the homemaker” with. I’ve had a job that was pretty much full time, in fact I’ve had two jobs at one time, yet I still take care of almost all of the house chores, and I cook dinner promptly at 6pm. Not only do I cook dinner, but I enjoy serving my fiance’s dinner to him as he sits and watches television. I find enjoyment in taking care of the man in my life, and I get a big smile on my face when I know he’s enjoying my cooking. I also LOVE to be creative when it comes to cooking. I have recently designed my own recipees for homemade buffalo chicken pizza, sausage pizza, extra cheese and peperoni pizza, and I also have a pretty kick ass buffalo chicken cheese melt that I’ve had no complaints about. I am not a whiz in the kitchen by any means, but I do try to keep things unique, and make sure that he is satisfied. I just get a personal satisfaction out of it.

I also include fresh peppers, garlic, onions, not always because since it’s just my fiance and I most of the time most of those things would go bad. I try to stick to dried seasonings, even though they tend to be a bit too salty, and do not hold the fresh taste you can really enjoy. I’ve been looking for “dried” alternatives at the super maket and have found a few good choices that have more flavor and less salt. I guess what most find to be most unbelieveable about my “suzie home-maker” aproach is that I myself might cook his dinner, but rarely do I actually eat what I cook. I have a few bites here and there, but I tend to have my own healthy alternative I pre-cook earlier in the day to reheat if he’s around when I normally eat. It baffles my friends and family that I put so much effort into something I myself can enjoy. I guess I do it just because it gives me a form of personal accomplishment, and I have always been nurturing towards the ones I love. I often feel like I’ve fell short when I cannot help out a family member, a friend, or other loved ones in my life because I do not have the funds, or the time to do so.

One last thing that baffles friends (especially the ones that are very modern) is my desire to have the “classic family” structure. I want to marry, have a baby, and raise the child with all the love and adoration I believe only a family can offer. I love the idea of playing wife (I will continue to work just because I cannot be a “homemaker” I have to make money) but I love the idea of having the family unit and the lifestyle that will lead to me seeing grandchildren, and hopefully great grandchildren, it brings a smile to my face. I already have had one approach to this that didn’t end favorably, and it still saddens me often enough… But I realize in time I can have it the right way (not to say the first time was wrong, just not with the right person for me.) and hopefully it’ll all work out. *day dreams happily*