Poetic Prophecy, or Coincidence?

September 30th, 2009

I realize it’s been a while since I’ve actually updated this website, that’s because I’ve been busy. Since my last post I have pretty much gone through various life changes involving many hair colors, a brief inter lapse in judgment involving relationships, I’ve moved, I’ve changed jobs and am now finally in the process of getting a dream job. However none of this seems new, nor does it seem note worthy to go into too much detail.

Ironically as I am saving all of my old poems since the website they are stored at closes October 6th I have noticed a lot of the poems I wrote years before sort of pertain to my modern circumstance and the things that have transpired in my recent history. I wonder if this is just irony and coincidence or perhaps the poems that I thought were insight into other people’s perspective lives was actually a subconscious perspective into my own future. Either way it doesn’t really matter, just something I thought of as I was saving my poetry one by one.

It’s amazing how things we think hold no relevance to us eventually always come around to stare us in the face.

I drive better drunk than you do sober

April 13th, 2009

“Don’t grab my keys when the parties over, I drive better drunk than you do sober.” Afroman - I drive better drunk

Afroman, a very little known rap artist that is actually reasonable. Not always the best form of humor from a woman’s perspective, but as long as you just take it as a “song” and nothing deeper it’s good music to dance drunk too ;) Or belt out loudly during kareoke. Everyone wi ll laugh, guaranteed. ^_^ Besides, his lyrics aren’t any more offensive than most rap songs anyway.

Moving on… Of course I’m still a metal head at heart, I just know better than to linger in one genre and swear by it because all forms of music have something about them worth listening too. Granted, some have a lot less than others.

So… I’m moving out of my apartment in the next few months. I’ll be moving into an out building my parents have at thier house. I’ll be paying for all of my own stuff like I have been, however it’ll be much cheaper because my parents aren’t obviously going to charge me a fortune. I’ll need the extra money for when I’m in school from September through June of 2010. I can’t believe it’s all over in 2010 (at least the general stuff, I’ll be working and doing night school to get my RN)… Tim is going to school as well. We’ll pretty much be separated for nine of ten months. Many ask how this affects me? It doesn’t really. I think we get along better when we’re apart, absence does make the heart grow fonder. I know I should be fearful of him moving on, or even me moving on, but I think we’re both going to be so involved with school neither of us will have time for that.

Besides… The way I look at it is if he does move on, obviously we weren’t meant to be and I wish luck in his life. I’m sure I can mutually move on pretty easy if he could dump me that easy. ;) I guess I’ve gotten past that needy girl I use to be who HAD to keep someone in her life. That doesn’t mean I care for him less, or that I don’t want it to work out… It’s just I won’t sink into depression and basically not want to live like I have in the past. Also I think my confidence is much improved since then. I never thought I could find anyone, or do anything… Now I feel like I can do anything I truly put my mind too within reason, and I know if need be I can find someone to love me, and past love like all loves will fade with the breath of new love… Awww, how romantic *bats eyes*

Anyway.. going back to listening to Afroman, taking a shower, and I’m outtie, it’s finally spring!

high definition

February 15th, 2009

I dream in high definition
every detail captured bright,
a sense of recognition
in throughout the night.

I’ve heard of black and white
or the color dreams of red scheme,
above viewing and sight,
and what it all means.

I never analyzed much
not the thoughts they bring
or even a sensual touch,
as it’s not insight to me.

I found my imagination wild
untamed living creativity
since being just a child
why question a gift?

In high definition I wait
for my dreams to sedate
me into who saw so
clearly everything she had.
© ~Serena~

TIMOTHY

February 10th, 2009

My heart is yours and as so has always been.
Everytime I doubt my love for you, I fall again.
When you’re distant and so obscure
I miss the original sense of our allure.
That feeling in my stomach of butterflies.
Like flying high, a roller coaster in the sky.
But just as senses fade, and dreams dim,
Suddenly in your aura I am captive again.
As we sit here in the dark I sense the
Butterflies of our history and the spark.
I realize you’re the only man that matters…
The only one I could love all out.

…as your vehicle pulls on black ice
without missing a beat you counter stear,
and as I shake you laugh gently in my ear.
then smile dimples and all and say
“I’ve got you baby doll.”
as you wrap one arm around me I see
always, you are the only man for me.
© ~Serena~

tired

January 25th, 2009

So… I am tired.
Sleepy
Dreaming
Exaughsted.

I feel I have no energy, I pry my eyes open with my fingernails. Deep down I am empty, but fullfilled. Sometimes I’m in heaven, sometimes alone.

So alone.

Bring to light my darkest burdens, wear them on my sleave. I will let you read, you can read. I love you to the point of defeat, as I fall to my feat.

I can stand alone, how dare you think otherwise? I am all that I sew there for I reap.

The tool to my own defeat.

I speak.

I scream.

Loudly, within this meak
disapointing
state
of being.
In my mind - defined.

mirror

January 10th, 2009

unbearable mockery,
imperfections thrown in my
face.
only getting worse with age.

Rage
controls my image.
if only I could feel,
as beautiful as you
make me want to be.

Hate
myself more than
anyone could or has,
no idea where this
dysmorphia spawns from.

Know
beauty is skin deep
a person forever,
inside I am amazing
but somewhere lost.

Found
beyond the days of
past affliction;
Lost to me until
I beat my addiction.
© ~Serena~

Instinct

January 2nd, 2009

in my mind I would wander,
free upon the open range;
a mustang set to graze.
the world was mine to take,
and I embraced and owned it.
the best cowboy couldn’t
tame my animal instincts.
I was independent,and unbroken.

but time tethered my spirit,
put in a halter with blinders
to shield my wild eyes.
then a bit to clench my mouth,
and reigns to slow me down.
since then I’ve been one way,
racing all out without end.
a crop slapping my hind side
without vision to see before me.
urged on pointless myself the
loser, and the lost, in the race.
© ~Serena~

R a d i o R e c o l e c t i o n

January 1st, 2009

on the radio,
old song,
our song.
I remember well
even though
it’s been far
too long.
you said you
were wrong…
then I went
far gone.
It was over
despite my
announced;
Love Forever.
Looking down
where your ring
sat in claim
who’s to blame?
the song was
all wrong;
sad song past
like love gone.

Just Old Fashioned I guess…

December 12th, 2008

Many of the ladies I know are very “modern” as the term goes, and I guess on many levels I am too. I am very career orientated, I feel a woman should be able to make her way in the world. I do not depend on anyone to pay my bills, and everything I have in my life (pretty much) I’ve bought myself. My parents help me out now and then, and my fiance did pay for half of a car for me as well as a present for a special occasion. I do not feel it is a man’s job to pay for all of the bills, and inherently take care of a woman until the day she dies (unless he wants too of course, what people do is their personal choice.) I think a relationship between a man and a woman should be balanced, and very half and half when it comes to most things.

I beleive the bills should be split in half, dinner out should be mostly payed by whomeever can better afford it at the time. When it comes to buying stuff you want (for men and women) as long as you can afford it, go for it. Recently my fiance bought a new fire arm, he seemed very nervous to reveal this fact to me, and I just shrugged and said “If you can afford it? Enjoy it.” Besides, no one can be too safe in this modern world. I never could understand gun control since it only knocks those that actually follow the law… But hey that’s another story.

With that in mind, this is where I lose most of the girls I know. Despite the fact that I believe bills should be shared, and most things are equal and devided, every guy I’ve dated I’ve basically been “the homemaker” with. I’ve had a job that was pretty much full time, in fact I’ve had two jobs at one time, yet I still take care of almost all of the house chores, and I cook dinner promptly at 6pm. Not only do I cook dinner, but I enjoy serving my fiance’s dinner to him as he sits and watches television. I find enjoyment in taking care of the man in my life, and I get a big smile on my face when I know he’s enjoying my cooking. I also LOVE to be creative when it comes to cooking. I have recently designed my own recipees for homemade buffalo chicken pizza, sausage pizza, extra cheese and peperoni pizza, and I also have a pretty kick ass buffalo chicken cheese melt that I’ve had no complaints about. I am not a whiz in the kitchen by any means, but I do try to keep things unique, and make sure that he is satisfied. I just get a personal satisfaction out of it.

I also include fresh peppers, garlic, onions, not always because since it’s just my fiance and I most of the time most of those things would go bad. I try to stick to dried seasonings, even though they tend to be a bit too salty, and do not hold the fresh taste you can really enjoy. I’ve been looking for “dried” alternatives at the super maket and have found a few good choices that have more flavor and less salt. I guess what most find to be most unbelieveable about my “suzie home-maker” aproach is that I myself might cook his dinner, but rarely do I actually eat what I cook. I have a few bites here and there, but I tend to have my own healthy alternative I pre-cook earlier in the day to reheat if he’s around when I normally eat. It baffles my friends and family that I put so much effort into something I myself can enjoy. I guess I do it just because it gives me a form of personal accomplishment, and I have always been nurturing towards the ones I love. I often feel like I’ve fell short when I cannot help out a family member, a friend, or other loved ones in my life because I do not have the funds, or the time to do so.

One last thing that baffles friends (especially the ones that are very modern) is my desire to have the “classic family” structure. I want to marry, have a baby, and raise the child with all the love and adoration I believe only a family can offer. I love the idea of playing wife (I will continue to work just because I cannot be a “homemaker” I have to make money) but I love the idea of having the family unit and the lifestyle that will lead to me seeing grandchildren, and hopefully great grandchildren, it brings a smile to my face. I already have had one approach to this that didn’t end favorably, and it still saddens me often enough… But I realize in time I can have it the right way (not to say the first time was wrong, just not with the right person for me.) and hopefully it’ll all work out. *day dreams happily*

Epiphany through teeth scrapings

December 8th, 2008

I use to fight for my beliefs, my politics, my choices, my person, my very being… But now, I just look in the persons direction, smile, and brush it off my shoulder. Some would say I have become meak, I have given up on who I am, or that I just cannot fight anymore because I lack the wit or know how to do it. An attack on my person, or my political beliefs being doubted is a reason to stand up, and verbally lash out to prove my superior opinions… *shakes head* I use to feel that way too, but I have come to a realization in the last 10 years of arguments, fights, annoyances, and personal attacks both online and off. There is no point to argue with people, because once they form an opinion the only person that can change or sway their opinion is themself. Furthermore, the more I argue for myself or my point, the more the person will likely argue back and all arguments do is cause stress, annoyance, and in the end both parties walk away inherently upset, or with a smug smile telling themself they’ve won, when the reality is in a matter of opinion no one wins. However, a waste of time and effort certainly comes to mind.

So today while I was sitting in the dentist chair, hearing the instrument scrape against my teeth (I must say it’s worse than nails on a chalkboard) I started to ponder what happened. Did I lose my inner fire? Did I give up? Do I lack the resources to argue? Or have I just ceased to really care what other people think? Furthermore, if I have ceased to care what other’s think does this make me smug, egotistical, arrogant, and full of myself? Or does it just mean that I haven’t the time to bother anymore despire how right, wrong, or ill placed comments and ideas may be? I think as the novacane started to kick in I really found an epiphony, perhaps it’s the drugs? Though I’m pretty sure novacane doesn’t have any affect on the mind.

I have heard comments from friends, family, and people that barely know me point out evil stares I get from men and women, or men and women that can’t seem to stop looking at me. Honestly, I rarely noticed anyone checking me out in the past, unless they were very obvious about it, and when guys hit on me I was completely oblivious to it. I never understood why women are so catty and hate other ladies for what they do not have. That’s not to say I haven’t seen a woman walking and thought, “wow, I wish I had her legs.” because I think those thoughts often enough, however I never look at a girl and say “heh, I bet she’s a slut.” Simply becauses of what she’s wearing, or because she’s better looking than me. I congratulate women that stay in shape, or have great skin (because my skin isn’t great at all, trust me) I often ask for their “secrets” because who knows? Maybe they can help me. I treat men and women the same, perhaps that’s because I’ve been with Tim for four years so I feel generic in the dating pool, but to me everyone’s just a person walking down the street. Until proven otherwise I pass no decisions or opinions… Not to say I am not opinionated, but I give everyone a chance before making my own conclusion.

I treat politics, and opinions on the government and the world issues the same way. I try to stick to facts, but often people bring in “feelings” when it comes to these issues. You cannot argue feelings, you cannot argue opinions. So if someone has an opinion of what I am, or who I am from how I look or dress I cannot change that, anymore than I can change a “feeling or opinion” they have on the government, society, the world, and world issues. In my younger days I would argue until I was blue in the face about these issues, I made my politics very clear and stood up for what I believed in. I wasn’t ashamed or afraid to say what I wanted to say, and if someone didn’t agree with me I wasn’t scared to fling facts at them from left and right (no pun intended ;)). However now? Now I just listen, smile, and nod my head. Perhaps I lost the fire, the passion, the desire to fight and be heard; but I think I just lost the will to fight a losing battle that I can never win. I am tired of exerting my emotions, my opinions, and my facts and letting them fall on deaf ears that already have prejudgements of my politics, and my person.

The old me would actually share hate mail my website got, or argue with negative comments I’d get on fotki, or any other website I am on. When someone would post a politically challenging opinion I’d argue endlessly with them, and we’d both walk away (likely) smiling smugly thinking we’d won the other over when it was done, when all we really accomplished was waisting time and energy. I am tired of waisting my time, I am tired of giving negativity the time of day. I face negativity often enough, and I’m not complaining because I realize everyone get’s bad feed back when they step outside, and having an online website only opens up the doors to more people, which in turn means more possible cruelty and punishment. I guess human nature promotes mean, negative, cruel, punishment.

Some argue that by steping out the door in a t-shirt that says “Aren’t I a f&&&ing ray of sunshine?” in a skirt that might be considered short, you deserve whatever’s coming to you. They argue if you have a website about yourself with everything of your person and being on it you just open up a whole other avenue of bad commentary that you should just accept, because that’s the way it is. I cannot argue that human nature tends to lean towards jealousy, hate, and attacks on one’s person… I can however say I never understood it.

I do not step out and say “Oh, look at that fat pig, she needs to hit a treadmill.” I do not snicker when someone stutters. I do not find someone with a handicap funny. I hold the door for people behind me. I say please, and I say thank you. I do not consider someone working as a customer service representative my slave, and personal punching bag to verbally abuse because I’m having a bad day. I smile at people because I am happy with myself, and I want my inner happiness to shine through. I am not mad at the world, I am not mad at people that make more money than I am, I am not mad at girls that wear sizes smaller than I do. I do not hate women that were born with big breasts naturally and didn’t have an enhancment.

However, I think the best thing I’ve ever done, for myself and for those around me because I am a happier person for it, is I stopped giving negativity and arguments the time of day. I just accept peoples politics, and I listen intently though I may not always agree. I find human’s all want the same thing really politically, a leader that leads without puppet strings attached to them. I stopped posting hate mail my website got, and stopped letting anyone comment on my stuff, I made my website more positive by allowing only constructive negative critique, or pleasent commentary through. You can have a difference of opinion and desire without having to be a down right asshole about it.

So my epiphany was, be happy with yourself, with other’s for their opinions… Comments like “You’re so stupid.” “You’re ugly.” “I hate you.” These do not need the time of day, not online, not offline. You are never going to make the world love you, you will never be totally accepted by anyone, and there is ABSOLUTELY NOTHING WRONG WITH THAT. Happiness isn’t about what other’s think, we all get old, things go south, life changes as we know it…. But personal happiness, and love for those that understand who you truly are, these are the things that really matter.