I use to fight for my beliefs, my politics, my choices, my person, my very being… But now, I just look in the persons direction, smile, and brush it off my shoulder. Some would say I have become meak, I have given up on who I am, or that I just cannot fight anymore because I lack the wit or know how to do it. An attack on my person, or my political beliefs being doubted is a reason to stand up, and verbally lash out to prove my superior opinions… *shakes head* I use to feel that way too, but I have come to a realization in the last 10 years of arguments, fights, annoyances, and personal attacks both online and off. There is no point to argue with people, because once they form an opinion the only person that can change or sway their opinion is themself. Furthermore, the more I argue for myself or my point, the more the person will likely argue back and all arguments do is cause stress, annoyance, and in the end both parties walk away inherently upset, or with a smug smile telling themself they’ve won, when the reality is in a matter of opinion no one wins. However, a waste of time and effort certainly comes to mind.
So today while I was sitting in the dentist chair, hearing the instrument scrape against my teeth (I must say it’s worse than nails on a chalkboard) I started to ponder what happened. Did I lose my inner fire? Did I give up? Do I lack the resources to argue? Or have I just ceased to really care what other people think? Furthermore, if I have ceased to care what other’s think does this make me smug, egotistical, arrogant, and full of myself? Or does it just mean that I haven’t the time to bother anymore despire how right, wrong, or ill placed comments and ideas may be? I think as the novacane started to kick in I really found an epiphony, perhaps it’s the drugs? Though I’m pretty sure novacane doesn’t have any affect on the mind.
I have heard comments from friends, family, and people that barely know me point out evil stares I get from men and women, or men and women that can’t seem to stop looking at me. Honestly, I rarely noticed anyone checking me out in the past, unless they were very obvious about it, and when guys hit on me I was completely oblivious to it. I never understood why women are so catty and hate other ladies for what they do not have. That’s not to say I haven’t seen a woman walking and thought, “wow, I wish I had her legs.” because I think those thoughts often enough, however I never look at a girl and say “heh, I bet she’s a slut.” Simply becauses of what she’s wearing, or because she’s better looking than me. I congratulate women that stay in shape, or have great skin (because my skin isn’t great at all, trust me) I often ask for their “secrets” because who knows? Maybe they can help me. I treat men and women the same, perhaps that’s because I’ve been with Tim for four years so I feel generic in the dating pool, but to me everyone’s just a person walking down the street. Until proven otherwise I pass no decisions or opinions… Not to say I am not opinionated, but I give everyone a chance before making my own conclusion.
I treat politics, and opinions on the government and the world issues the same way. I try to stick to facts, but often people bring in “feelings” when it comes to these issues. You cannot argue feelings, you cannot argue opinions. So if someone has an opinion of what I am, or who I am from how I look or dress I cannot change that, anymore than I can change a “feeling or opinion” they have on the government, society, the world, and world issues. In my younger days I would argue until I was blue in the face about these issues, I made my politics very clear and stood up for what I believed in. I wasn’t ashamed or afraid to say what I wanted to say, and if someone didn’t agree with me I wasn’t scared to fling facts at them from left and right (no pun intended ;)). However now? Now I just listen, smile, and nod my head. Perhaps I lost the fire, the passion, the desire to fight and be heard; but I think I just lost the will to fight a losing battle that I can never win. I am tired of exerting my emotions, my opinions, and my facts and letting them fall on deaf ears that already have prejudgements of my politics, and my person.
The old me would actually share hate mail my website got, or argue with negative comments I’d get on fotki, or any other website I am on. When someone would post a politically challenging opinion I’d argue endlessly with them, and we’d both walk away (likely) smiling smugly thinking we’d won the other over when it was done, when all we really accomplished was waisting time and energy. I am tired of waisting my time, I am tired of giving negativity the time of day. I face negativity often enough, and I’m not complaining because I realize everyone get’s bad feed back when they step outside, and having an online website only opens up the doors to more people, which in turn means more possible cruelty and punishment. I guess human nature promotes mean, negative, cruel, punishment.
Some argue that by steping out the door in a t-shirt that says “Aren’t I a f&&&ing ray of sunshine?” in a skirt that might be considered short, you deserve whatever’s coming to you. They argue if you have a website about yourself with everything of your person and being on it you just open up a whole other avenue of bad commentary that you should just accept, because that’s the way it is. I cannot argue that human nature tends to lean towards jealousy, hate, and attacks on one’s person… I can however say I never understood it.
I do not step out and say “Oh, look at that fat pig, she needs to hit a treadmill.” I do not snicker when someone stutters. I do not find someone with a handicap funny. I hold the door for people behind me. I say please, and I say thank you. I do not consider someone working as a customer service representative my slave, and personal punching bag to verbally abuse because I’m having a bad day. I smile at people because I am happy with myself, and I want my inner happiness to shine through. I am not mad at the world, I am not mad at people that make more money than I am, I am not mad at girls that wear sizes smaller than I do. I do not hate women that were born with big breasts naturally and didn’t have an enhancment.
However, I think the best thing I’ve ever done, for myself and for those around me because I am a happier person for it, is I stopped giving negativity and arguments the time of day. I just accept peoples politics, and I listen intently though I may not always agree. I find human’s all want the same thing really politically, a leader that leads without puppet strings attached to them. I stopped posting hate mail my website got, and stopped letting anyone comment on my stuff, I made my website more positive by allowing only constructive negative critique, or pleasent commentary through. You can have a difference of opinion and desire without having to be a down right asshole about it.
So my epiphany was, be happy with yourself, with other’s for their opinions… Comments like “You’re so stupid.” “You’re ugly.” “I hate you.” These do not need the time of day, not online, not offline. You are never going to make the world love you, you will never be totally accepted by anyone, and there is ABSOLUTELY NOTHING WRONG WITH THAT. Happiness isn’t about what other’s think, we all get old, things go south, life changes as we know it…. But personal happiness, and love for those that understand who you truly are, these are the things that really matter.
Or belt out loudly during kareoke. Everyone wi ll laugh, guaranteed. ^_^ Besides, his lyrics aren’t any more offensive than most rap songs anyway.